Safe Passage Domestic Violence Awareness Month Podcast Series

Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Manager at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.  

Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) occurs every October and is a time for sharing information and resources, as well as encouraging action in our community to work towards a world where peaceful, loving relationships are the norm. In honor of #DVAM, I took the opportunity to sit down and talk with various colleagues, members of Safe Passage’s staff and board, as well as friends and affiliates of the agency in the hopes of clarifying some of the questions and discussing domestic violence in our community.

In this four-part series of podcasts, we covered various topics related to domestic and sexual violence:

DVAM 2015 Podcast Series: #1 Domestic Violence Basics:

Survivors often describe living through a silent nightmare. The isolating tactics used by controlling partners, threats that talking to someone will result in more violence, and our culture’s feelings about privacy contribute to silence about the experiences in our homes and relationships.  I sat down with Safe Passage's Executive Director, Marianne Winters, and Board President, Diane Curtis, to discuss the basics of domestic violence including: What is domestic violence? How does an abusive relationship differ from an unhealthy relationship? What sort of supports are there for folks who are living with violence or trying to escape? 

DVAM 2015 Podcast Series: #2 Intersectionality and Oppression:
Safe Passage seeks to help individuals and families find safety, resources, and hope. We also have a vested interest in social justice and work each day towards establishing equality in our community. I chatted with Anthia Elliott, Safe Passage’s Director of Programs, to talk about intersectionality and oppression, as well as the ways our agency works each day to help our clients overcome the barriers to seeking safety that are impacted by their various identities.

DVAM 2015 Podcast Series: #3 Engaging Men And Boys:

At Safe Passage, we hold the belief that everyone is negatively impacted by violence regardless of their role as survivor, witness, or perpetrator. People of all genders experience violence across the span of their lives, and our community as a whole must be part of the process of healing. We believe that engaging men and boys in our efforts is a vital component as we work towards a world where loving and safe relationships are the norm in our community. For the third podcast in the series, I had the opportunity to sit down with Steven Botkin to discuss the impact of violence in the experiences of men and boys and the importance of engaging men and boys in our efforts to end domestic and sexual violence.

DVAM 2015 Podcast Series: #4 Prevention

Our agency provides support, service, healing and hope to individuals and families who have experienced domestic violence and relationship abuse.  We also aspire to a world where loving, safe, peaceful relationships are the norm.  In order to work towards this ultimate goal, we are committed to prevention work in our community. In the final podcast, I was able to reunite with my colleague, and co-author of the Say Something Field Guide, Lynne Marie Wanamaker to discuss one of our all-time favorite topics: prevention of domestic and sexual violence

Leveling up your #superherostatus

Sara is a volunteer at Safe Passage, a lover of nature, psychology, sharp cheddar and the band Queen.

Lately it seems as our media is more super-flooded with superheros than ever. The wave has crashed into the formats of video games, movies, TV shows, and Halloween costumes. It has become trendy and an “In” thing to like superheros as the new rockstars to idolize and to join their fandom. Most of the time, these superhero movies are based on comic books and graphic novels, showing complex characters with fantastic powers we wish we could have. Sometimes the powers wreak havoc, sometimes they help in a way no “normal” person could, yet act as a personification of the altruistic values our communities hold dear.

Superhero stories pivot around a point that there are common human elements, one of which is wanting to help the greater good and to decrease suffering, to enable justice. At the foundation of these common human elements, of trying to help others, have a meaningful life purpose and to fulfill a role, is the desire to connect. A superhero is in all of us. Superheroes are not passive, they are proactive. They stand for justice, demand accountability, and round up the bad guys. All superheros also have adversity or trauma in their past that they use their powers to deal with, and their powers may even be a result of their pain. 

I repeat, there is a superhero in all of us.

How does this relate to “real life”? Well, as The Amazing Spiderman's mantra goes, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” A part of all of us wants to connect and help others, to be fulfilled and better themselves after struggle. Because of all of this, the superhero within us has great inner will that expresses itself through an outside set of powers. What comes with this is a responsibility to help others. In our lives, within our dynamic stories of privilege, disadvantage, and perseverance, we can become overwhelmed by our struggle, and forget we have our own powers. We are stronger than we were yesterday. All the lessons we learned from our struggles have given us power to help empower others. We can also feel helpless against all the suffering in the world, and sometimes pay less attention.

But what about the Super Villains?

It can be easy to be angry, afraid, disturbed, or hurt by them. It is less easy to remember they have their own origin story, and walked their own pathway to violence. It is not as simple as bad guys versus good guys. Just like real life, most people are a mix of the two. What does separate this binary identity crisis, is the will to connect to others, and this is based on a vital human and superhero ingredient:

Hope.

After facing any kind of transforming pain, whether trauma, tragedy, loss, or major change, what we do from that point forward is determined by hope. If someone suffers great pain and is struggling without anyone willing to listen to them, they may perpetuate the cycle of systematic violence that victimized them. They could, without support and compassion, lose their hope to connect, and become more super villain than superhero. There are always pathways towards both violence and peace, it isn’t random, and there is a choice. The more supported someone feels and the more purpose they feel, the stronger their powers grow and the more they can help others to level up.

So what do we do, to empower ourselves through and beyond our pain, and other superheros? How do we level up our game and life force? You’re already a superhero, so how best to level up your #superherostatus to take care of yourself and help others as well?

There is even evidence in neuroscience to support the power of choice and habit, as well as the presence of social support, self care and their impact on overall well being. The more an action is repeated, the brain creates neural pathways, and as an action becomes habitual, these pathways strengthen. But! You can change your habits, and this skill in itself is a superhero power. The more social support you have, and the more self care you practice, the easier it is to break habits and level up your game. Having superhero powers starts with taking care of yourself and having hope.

So its good to remember:
Self care: shine your shield as often as you please.

Practice active listening in everything you do: activate your super-sonic hearing.

Understand: everyone has their own story, some with rather rocky and dangerous pathways. Some Origin stories are rife with danger and heartache.

Get Involved: no matter your superpower, every little effort helps. In your family, group of friends, school, organization, workplace, every act of kindness can have ripple effects.


Your powers may be invisible to you, but make a profound impact on others. You may be a sensitive, funny, caring, blunt, welcoming, open, empathetic, or a good listener. All of these are super powers and all can be used for leveling up your #superherostatus game.

From Blurred Lines to Bad Boundaries: A Case Report on Robin Thicke

With the recent news that the courts have just awarded $7.4 million to Gaye’s estate after determining that Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams copied this 1977 chart-topper with their song "Blurred Lines", we are reminded reminded of how laden with problematic messaging this catchy tune is.  We wanted to take a few minutes to remind you and to discuss this other serious issue with "Blurred Lines".

Let one of our interns, Arianna, explain:

In the summer of 2014, Forbes considered it a "shocking downfall”, but is the failed relationship and declining career of Robin Thicke really that shocking?

Let’s recap the past two years:

First, in 2013, Robin Thicke wrote a song called “Blurred Lines”. Since it was released there have been many critiques of the song already – as it stirred up the utmost controversy, was banned from several universities, and even earned Thicke the “Sexist Man of 2013” award. At essence, this song is mocking consent politics in the guise of light-hearted and intoxicated fun, while simultaneously being downright creepy; reminding listeners for 4 minutes and 23 seconds that we are all “bad girls”, “good girls”, and that Thicke knows we “want it”.

A short while after the song was released, so was a music video. Let’s just say it didn’t make matters any better. The video sent Thicke to the top of the charts – the “you should be fired from music” chart.

Truly, it was his response to the entire fiasco that really sent Thicke rolling down the hill of Hollywood. By defending himself in the name of “great art” and “stirring conversation”, Thicke took zero accountability for the problematic nature of his attitude towards women, his music, and his choices as a celebrity. After being heavily criticized by feminists and survivors alike, he even had the audacity to name his work as “a feminist movement within itself”. Because, you know, as a white, able-bodied, cis-gendered, heterosexual, class privileged man, he felt entitled enough to educate all the feminists on what feminism actually is.

His clumsy attempt to defend himself on the Today Show was stated as follows:

“When we made the song, we had nothing but the most respect for women and – my wife, I’ve been with the same woman since I was a teenager. So for us, we were just trying to make a funny song and sometimes the lyrics get misconstrued when you’re just trying to put people on the dance floor and have a good time, but we had no idea it would stir this much controversy. We only had the best intentions”.

Sorry, Robin, but being with the same woman since you were a teenager is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. It does not excuse you from being misogynistic. It does not mean that the sexist messages you are sending out about women are nullified. Additionally, intentions do not matter as much as impact, and the impact Blurred Lines made as a song and music video was nothing but offensive.

I think we can all agree that Blurred Lines was a mistake. Let’s travel down the road a few months later and see what happens…

Oops! A divorce between Robin Thicke and Paula Patton! How…unsurprising. I would have never guessed this would happen to a man who is so rich, famous, and inappropriate.

The poor guy was so upset about his divorce that he decided to name his next album “Paula”. The strange thing is that the album, released in June 2014, seems to be less about her and more about him and his determination to get her back, with the album single titled “Get Her Back”, and other songs titled “You’re My Fantasy” and “Whatever I Want”. All in all, the album is yet another example of Robin Thicke’s extreme lack of boundaries and lack of respect for women. If a divorce isn’t enough of a “leave me alone” message for Thicke, then I don’t know what is.

“Paula” sold 530 copies in the first week of being released; a troubling 2% of the total sales of his previous album. Forbes calls it the result of “bad music”, but I would call it the result of “bad boundaries”.

For a while I was feeling torn about the Blurred Lines song. Not because I was secretly moved by the degrading messages, but because the beat and the tune is so catchy. The dealbreaker for me is every time Robin Thicke opens his mouth – the song is then ruined. This is why I am so incredibly pleased that the world is blessed with the presence of Weird Al Yankovic who released an even better version of the song titled “Word Crimes”. Now this is something I can get behind. If you are like me, someone who thinks Blurred Lines is catchy, but cannot stand the lyrics or messaging, I highly recommend you check this song out!

  
Arianna is a queer femme from the lakes and forests of Massachusetts, a student of plants, stars, and feminisms, and a fierce lover of The Beach Boys.

Responses to Toxic Masculinity

Recently, I had the pleasure of co-facilitating a large training for members of the community around healthy masculinity, and healthy men and boys.   It was an intense two days, full of rich discussion, lots of emotions, and a constant drive to communicate with one another across various identities.

What we know is that the way society and culture constructs masculinity and what we are all told it means to "be a man" isn't always healthy.  It can be damaging, hurtful, oppressive, and violent.  For our entire community.  During the training, we watched the following two videos right after one another, and it was an immensely powerful experience.  I encourage you all to watch these short youtube clips and imagine what our world would be like if people of all or no genders were able to express their emotions, seek help, and truly connect with one another in authentic ways.

The following videos contain some NSFW language and potentially triggering content.

For more information about our local Western MA efforts to provide support and encouragement for healthy masculinities for men and boys, feel free to check out the Network for Healthy Men and Boys, a collaboration of agencies across Western MA working together to create a different kind of culture.

Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.