What We Say and Who We Say It to

The fundamental basis of the Say Something campaign is that everyone can say something to help prevent domestic, sexual and interpersonal violence. Most folks, when they hear this, think about what to say to victims or survivors of violence. There have been some great Say Something contributions, like:
- “You are strong, beautiful, and brave.”
- “This is not your fault.”
- “I believe you.”
- “I am here. No matter what.”

However, we often forget or overlook the importance of what we say to perpetrators, around perpetrators, and about perpetration. The following is an excerpt from a great article that references a blog entry entitled “Feminism 101: Helpful Hints for Dudes, Part 3”, as well as Jackson Katz’s ted talk (and overall position on violence against women):

“A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists? Rapists do.”

So, when someone drops a rape joke and people laugh, the small percent of men who are rapists think that they’re surrounded by like-minded friends. Speaking to the joke-teller:

“That rapist who was in the group with you, that rapist thought that you were on his side. That rapist knew that you were a rapist like him. And he felt validated, and he felt he was among his comrades.”

What’s interesting about this observation is that it reminds us that we need to be more aware of the impact of our words not on victims (as the usual argument against the rape joke goes), but on perpetrators.

There is obviously an argument (or many, for that matter) for refraining from participating in any sort of oppressive language, humor, and action. We hold an awareness that we live in communities of survivors- in our town, in our religious communities, on our sports teams, in our classes, at our workplaces, etc. Also, using oppressive language kind of makes you feel icky in general.

But, we are living in communities of individuals who commit acts of violence as well. And understanding the impact of what we say or do around perpetrators allows for a stronger argument against the “but you know I didn’t mean it like that” defense we hear so often when we Say Something and challenge a friend, colleague, family member about their language. I’m going to just assume that it would feel pretty icky if someone realized that by their attempt at humor, a person in their community who committed rape or domestic violence felt validated in their actions because they assumed they were in solidarity.

So, let’s make sure that when we Say Something, we do so with the understanding that we are in the company of both survivors and perpetrators in our day to day lives.

And if you have the chance, watch this Jackson Katz Ted Talk about the importance of language regarding violence against women and girls:

Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.