"I Think We Need To Talk..."

Guest Blog Post: Amanda Jane is a volunteer at Safe Passage. She enjoys Netflix, silly magazines, and promoting healthy and violence-free relationships.  
 
A little while ago, a good friend and I were discussing a mutual friend’s current situation with her partner. Our friend has been experiencing verbal and physical abuse in her relationship for the past couple years. After leaving him for a short period of time, they got back together mainly due to the fact they shared children together, and she didn’t think she could make it financially without him.

“She’s so stupid. I can’t believe she went back to him” is what my friend said midway through the conversation, “I’m sorry, I just can’t have respect for someone like that. She must really like the drama.”

Whoa. This is someone I have known for quite some time. Someone who is a good friend. Someone who caught me completely off guard with their response.
People’s perceptions of domestic violence can be shaped by the language we use in our society to describe it. Normalizing language such as “they should have known better,” or “maybe they just like the drama” takes the blame off of the perpetrator and the violence itself, and places it upon the person experiencing the abuse.

So it’s up to us, as society members, to challenge those types of comments. Challenge them in a way that shines the spotlight back on the violence itself, and not the one who experienced it. This is easier said than done, though. It’s hard to challenge people we have some sort of relationship with. It’s almost harder to challenge a friend’s comments than it is to challenge something a complete stranger said.

As a side note, I definitely wouldn’t recommend saying something unless you felt safe to do so. Screaming at random strangers may not be effective! There’s a certain risk in speaking up when there is a feeling that you may lose the relationship with that person for doing so. It can feel awkward and uncomfortable to have that conversation, especially when it’s with a friend, but it’s necessary to do so.

It is important to accept and move past those feelings of awkwardness, in order to have a role in bringing more awareness to domestic violence. Anyone, at any time, could experience domestic violence. Your best friend, your cousin, a co-worker, even YOU, could at one point or another experience violence. This is why it’s important to challenge victim blaming comments. This is what prevention is all about.

In my situation, after my friend had made those comments, I felt very weird about saying something, but I knew I wouldn’t feel OK with myself unless I did so.

Instead of trying to debate with him, I took to the information/explanation route. I started explaining the many reasons that our friend could have for going back to her partner: the danger she could be in if she left for good, and the financial reasons that brought them back together. All reasons that didn’t involve her “liking the drama.” I don’t know if I completely changed his beliefs and perceptions of domestic violence, but I did cause him to pause and consider what I was saying.

Why is this necessary in regards to prevention? So people who experience any form of violence don’t begin to define themselves in terms of how society may view them. So their response to their own situation isn’t just, “I should have known better.” This is why I had to say something then, and why I will say something tomorrow. Change can occur merely by challenging certain judgments or beliefs.

This means you can create positive change on a daily basis, even when things seem out of your control, just by speaking up to a friend. It can feel very empowering to know that you had a part in creating change within society.