Cindy Beal & Lynne Marie Wanamaker: It’s never too late to report sexual assault

This essay originally appeared in the Daily Hampshire Gazette on November 28th, 2014.

We were appalled to see a misinformed opinion piece by Christine Flowers in the Nov. 21 Gazette. Christine Flowers’ guest essay — “Cosby accusers waited too long” — stands as a worst-case example of what not to say when someone takes the courageous step of disclosing a violation.

Experts in sexual violence, trauma and recovery know that it is never too late to tell. Experts also know that how we respond to survivors can have a profound influence on their resilience and recovery. In the words of trauma expert Judith Herman, our compassionate witness can fulfill “the hope that restorative love may still be found in the world.” These are some things survivors of sexual and domestic violence need — and deserve — to hear: It was not your fault. If someone made the reprehensible choice to hurt you, that was their fault. No matter how many times you think about what happened or how, it was not your fault.

You can and should tell anyone you want. No matter if it is an hour after you were hurt or a hundred years.

Truth is truth, and you have the right to speak yours. It might start out as a wail, but after that the words will come.

There are many of us who will listen to you, who will hear you, who are sorry that it happened to you. Some of us because it happened to us, too. Some of us because we are people with big hearts and open eyes who see and feel truths that are so painful about our culture that lets this happen over and over again.

Know this: We are in your houses of worship and nursery schools and shopping centers. We are at Safe Passage: On the hotline, in supportive services, and running and cheering at the Hot Chocolate Run to promote freedom from violence in Hampshire County. And we are in your adult ed classes, your kid’s basketball camp, the auto repair shop. You are surrounded by people who will listen and believe you.

We understand that there are hundreds of reasons someone might not tell the story of a sexual assault right away. Some of them are rooted in the neurobiology of trauma: The things that happen in our brains and bodies when we are overwhelmed by violations.

Some of us didn’t tell because we were afraid of hurting the people we loved. Or we were afraid that the people who loved us — our dads, our mothers — might kill the people who had hurt us. Some of us didn’t tell because we were afraid we would be killed.

Some of us did tell, but we were not believed. Or we were blamed. Or we were asked many questions to which we did not have answers. And it was a long time before we tried telling again.

Some of us didn’t tell because we needed help to find the words. Sometimes that help came from people who loved and believed us. Sometimes it came from skilled professionals who understand how trauma works and how humans heal.

Some of us didn’t tell because we could not bear to bring the scrutiny of a victim-blaming culture into our most vulnerable moment.

Whenever we talk about violence, survivors are listening. The Centers for Disease Control tell us that one in two U.S. women has experienced a sexual assault that was not a rape, and one in five has experienced rape.

Studies show that 27 percent of women and 16 percent of men have experienced childhood sexual abuse.

If we say publicly that one survivor waited “too long” to tell, we tell those who have not yet disclosed that we will not stand with them when they are ready. In so doing, we become an obstacle to healing. 

We collude with the perpetrators and become part of the culture of violence.

We disavow this. We stand with and for survivors. It is never too late to tell.

Cindy Beal runs Justice and Peace Consulting in Easthampton and Lynne Marie Wanamaker is a violence prevention educator in Easthampton. 

Safe Passage Says Something at Project Unbreakable Event @ Umass Amherst

On Monday, November 3rd, Project Unbreakable presented at UMASS Amherst and Laura Penney, our Community Engagement Coordinator, had the honor of being asked to speak at the event. If you have not heard of Project Unbreakable before, here is a little information:

The mission of Project Unbreakable is to increase awareness of the issues surrounding sexual assault, child abuse, and domestic violence, and encourage the act of healing through art.
Created in October of 2011 by then 19 year old photographer Grace Brown, Project Unbreakable originally featured photos of sexual assault survivors holding posters with quotes from their attackers. In September, Project Unbreakable expanded to include photos from survivors of child abuse and domestic violence. Originally, Project Unbreakable was supposed to stay small – the main intention was to simple create awareness – but soon it was discovered that it provides a way of healing for violence survivors. Since the conception, Project Unbreakable has featured over four thousand photographs, both photos taken by Grace and submissions from all over the world.

We encourage you to visit their website, but also want to give a strong warning because while the images are incredible powerful, they can also be also very difficult to see. Please reach out to a counselor or hotline if you need to talk at any point.

Below is the transcript of the speech given at the event:

“Thank you so much for having me here tonight. I have been a huge fan of the work the Project Unbreakable has been doing for some time now, and feel truly honored to be at this event. I’m also very excited to have been given the opportunity to speak a bit about the work that my agency, Safe Passage, is also doing to give folks in the community a voice to speak out to prevent sexual and domestic violence. As I prepared to speak this evening, I spent some time looking at the countless photos on the Project Unbreakable website. Photos of amazing individuals who were sharing their stories and proving their strength to the world. These powerful images drew me in and I found myself connecting to each person who help up a sign and bravely told the world about their experience.

Reading over the words that had been spoken to each of the survivors was very difficult. It is always hard to see the ways that humans harm one another. Additionally, many of us don’t hear these stories regularly, because when it comes to sexual and domestic violence specifically, silence around experience is often the result. Speaking out, telling our stories as survivors is such a profound process, and can be a huge contribution to our own healing journeys. It also connects us with other survivors, letting us know we are not alone.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a feminist. And for as long as I can remember, I have been quite outspoken about that fact. Maybe growing up with a strong mother had something to do with it. Or maybe it has just been navigating the world we live in as a self-identified woman. Or maybe it is because of my own identity as a survivor of domestic and sexual violence. Or all of the above. And then some. Who knows, really? Whatever the reasons, I have consistently found myself entrenched in the issues of women’s rights, sexual assault, and domestic violence from an early age.

And that’s how I found myself at Safe Passage. For those of you who may not know, Safe Passage is Hampshire County’s domestic violence agency. We are based in downtown Northampton. We have counseling and advocacy services for adults and children, support groups, a 24-hour hotline, legal advocacy, and an emergency shelter among many other services. We are a small agency, but we serve many.

The work that my coworkers do every day saves lives. They help people plan out how to keep themselves and their children safe when they are facing danger in their home. Homes. Which should be the safest place for each of us. I have seen people transform when they find safety and are allowed the space to heal; I witness compassion and fortitude and resourcefulness, but most of all strength in the folks that come through our doors every day. This work is so important, so necessary. But I would like to imagine a world where it’s not necessary. Where events like this aren’t commemorating lives lost, or raising awareness around an issue that effects so many and is still a tremendous social issue, but are showings of solidarity and support to maintain communities that are free of violence.

At Safe Passage, I am the Community Engagement Coordinator. The work that I do on a daily basis is educating folks on the information and skills they need to become active agents of change. To help prevent violence in our communities. Our prevention program, Say Something, operates on one simple belief: that no matter who we are, what roles we play, who we come in contact with, each of us has the opportunity and ability to Say Something in our everyday lives that will help prevent interpersonal violence.

We know that one of the main tactics that abusers use to maintain their control is isolation; from friends, family, any sort of support network. They use isolation because it is difficult to speak out, seek help, and/or change your situation if you do not have the social supports. This work, the work to end domestic and sexual violence, is also often isolating. We often feel alone in our thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires for a different kind of world. I don’t know about you folks, but I have, on more than one occasion been the only one in a group speaking up about the inappropriate joke that has been told, or the uncomfortable statement just said, but of course was not meant, because “I was only kidding”.

The importance of community is paramount in this work. And that is what we try to provide with Say Something. The proof that you are not alone in this world, feeling the way you do. That there are people all over who have had their own experiences and are committed to ending sexual and domestic violence. And while I scrolled through the Project Unbreakable Tumblr, that’s exactly the same feeling I had. Seeing the strength and solidarity that comes with speaking out and Saying Something. It’s truly powerful.

The statements that really jumped out at me on the website weren’t the things that were said during an assault, but the supportive words from friends, family, new partners, and community members that were so important to hear for many folks. This just further instills in me the importance of educating our communities to Say Something. Not only to interrupt violence when we see it, but to know what to say when responding to someone who discloses.

When we first developed the Say Something program at our agency, I put up this big board in the front of the office that said “Say Something…” and invited everyone who came to our office—staff, volunteers, clients, community members – to finish the sentiment. The visual of this was truly breathtaking. And if you want to see what the final product looks like, you can always visit our facebook or website. But here are some of the examples of the contributions:
 

Say Something:
• You may have been afraid to say this morning
• Loving
• True
• Because others may not be able to
• And you could change a life
• Hopeful
• Comforting
• And inspire others to say something too
• Encouraging
• About your experience
• Positive
• Because you have the power
• Brave
• Supportive
• About how violence has effected your life
• Amazing
• And then do something

As we all move through our daily lives, we have countless opportunities to Say Something. If we, as a community can shift our collective thinking to not tolerate language or behaviors that support domestic and sexual violence, we can start to establish a new culture where respect, tolerance, safety and love are the universal experiences of all. That’s the vision and hope that I hold onto. And that’s the vision and hope that I work every day towards. So, I am here tonight to honor the survivors who have spoken out, and invite you all to Say Something every chance you get. Become active agents for change in your day to day lives and become part of a larger community that will not stand for violence. Thank you all for being here and thank you for holding this cause in your hearts."


Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.

 

Stalking is Dangerous, NOT Sexy…or Everything That’s Wrong with Maroon 5’s “Animals”

Aviva is currently pursuing her MSW at Smith College, and is a former relief staff member at Safe Passage’s shelter program. She lives in Amherst with her partner and pet bearded dragon, and has a strong love/hate relationship with American popular culture.

As someone who spends a great deal of time working and building relationships with young people, I often find myself engaging with tween popular media – which I tend to broadly define as popular media consumed by tweens, whether or not that was the original intention. Tweens are the most reliable source of what is hip: which new social media site is trending and which artist is topping the charts. By virtue of living in our highly consumerist and technologically savvy society they know what capitalism wants them to know, whether or not they are developmentally or emotionally ready.

Which brings me to Maroon 5’s new hit single “Animals”. The music video for this song, which was only released this past August, currently has 127 million views on YouTube, and holds the number 4 spot on the Billboard Top 100 List. Clearly this song is gaining in widespread popularity, and more and more people are engaging with it either on the radio, Pandora, or some other Top 40s popular music site. What this really means though is that if you have or know of a young person in your life, chances are they have engaged with this song and/or music video.

While I don’t feel Adam Levine (the lead singer of Maroon 5) wrote this song with a 12-year-old in mind as his audience, it is important to remember that young people are exposed to all forms of popular culture on a daily basis, not just what was written with them in mind. As large consumers of social media and television programming, young people often find themselves in the presence of media that they may not fully understand or be emotionally mature enough to fully comprehend. So in an effort to help break down the wall of silence between adults who aren’t cool enough to consume popular media and the youth who are but don’t know what it is exactly that they are consuming, let’s start with a conversation about “Animals”.

However, before I launch into a more critical feminist analysis* of this new song and music video, I want to acknowledge the greatest barrier to our collective deeper conversations about the content our children consume: the song is catchy. I will admit that before I finally caught some of the lyrics and forced myself to watch the music video and really engage with this song’s content, I too was guilty of just letting it play on as background noise in my car on the way to work. When popular music is catchy and fun to dance to it is easier to blindly consume it, and not take the time to break down what messages artists are putting out there. This does a disservice to everyone in our society and helps to breed a culture of unchecked violence. Let’s break this silence by unpacking the content and cultural messages embedded within “Animals”, in the hopes of empowering adult consumers of popular media to have conversations with the young people in their lives about what they are really absorbing.

The video begins by rapidly cutting between images of a young, hypersexualized, traditionally feminine woman in a butcher shop, who is being watched by a man taking lots of photographs of her without her knowledge, and then developing them from inside the butcher shop’s hanging meat locker. Right away audiences are invited to engage in voyeurism along with the male protagonist and feel as though we too are stalking this young woman. The lyrics begin with “Baby I’m preying on you tonight/Hunt you down eat you alive/Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals/ Maybe you think that you can hide/I can smell your scent for miles/Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals”. Maroon 5’s Levine effortlessly makes the connection between preying on this young woman (played by his real life wife), and preying on animals to be killed and sold for their meat. While this is disturbing in and of itself, what I find even more horrifying is the justification for his violent actions as a man: that he has an animal “beast” desire within him that allows him to “hunt down” this woman, and that she can’t “deny” her attraction to be with someone that is going to harm her. Sounds a lot like male justification for intimate partner violence as not being able to help themselves, right?

From within Levine’s meat locker hideaway, he is seen looking at and developing hundreds of photographs of the woman he is watching, while simultaneously erotically touching the hanging carcasses; reminding us that meat equals woman. In one particularly unsettling scene, he is inside her apartment standing over her watching her sleep without her consent or knowledge of his presence. Meanwhile he sings “But you can’t stay away from me” and “But don’t deny the animal/That comes alive when I’m inside you”, justifying his actions and putting the onus of what he is doing back on her, someone who clearly wants to be stalked, hurt, and followed just to have a sexual tryst with her assailant. The video culminates with Levine and the woman he has been following having sex amidst the hanging meat, both completely naked, and covered in blood, leaving viewers questioning if within this fantasy the blood is animal or human.

What strikes me as most dangerous about this video and song versus other forms of media that are clearly violent against women, is the openness with which this video does nothing to hide its intentions and the message of the content. Women are meat. Meat is prey. Men are animals who can’t help but hunt prey. Men are animals who can’t help but hunt women. See how easy it was to draw that connection from this song and music video?

The Centers for Disease Control (2014) reports that 15.2% of women nationally have been victims of stalking at some point during their lives, that the perpetrators are almost exclusively male, and that the perpetrators are almost always someone with whom they had previously interacted with, either as a partner, family member, or acquaintance. Popular media like “Animals” helps to spread the message that stalking is erotic and sexy, especially since the entire narrative is Levine’s sexual fantasy of stalking (and potentially hurting) his real life wife. This then creates a national narrative that stalking is romantic and that men can’t help themselves from being drawn to the women (and sometimes men) in their lives, erasing the real danger behind stalking and its potential for breeding further violence.

Just to be clear: stalking is NOT sexy, it is NOT wanted, and it IS dangerous.

In order to change the national narrative around stalking, folks can start by engaging the young people and adults in their lives about the dangerous messages in “Animals”. Passively listening to this song and not stopping to have conversations about its content helps to continue to allow women to internalize that being stalked is sexy and that men should not feel guilty about their acts because they are biologically unavoidable. If we are going to change the way we talk about stalking and gendered violence as a society, it is especially important to call young people in, invite them to question the media they are consuming and the messages embedded within.

So the next time “Animals” comes on the radio, you hear it at a club, or the young person in your life is about to buy Maroon 5’s music, don’t just passively hum along to the catchy beat, and instead invite those around you to have a conversation about stalking and gendered violence. More than 50% of all women who are victims of stalking are under age 25 (CDC, 2014). Silence isn’t an option.

If you or someone you know is in need of help or resources regarding stalking, please visit these sites for more information:
http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center
http://stalkingawarenessmonth.org/about
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/what-is-stalking

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*For the purposes of this article I am going to talk about men and women from a largely cis-gendered binary standpoint; however I would like to acknowledge that there are many different forms of gendered violence that exist outside of this paradigm.

The Day My Son Learned That Princesses Are For Girls

Erica Merten is a graduate student, mother, partner, counselor, advocate, cat-herder, and lover of all things pomegranate-flavored.

I remember the day my three year old son learned that princesses are for girls. It was in the context of his asking for play jewelry and dress-up clothes for his upcoming fourth birthday. He informed me, matter-of-factly, that he no longer wanted princess dresses for his birthday because princesses are, in fact, for girls and he is a boy.

“But I thought dress-up clothes were for pretending,” I asked, innocently.

“But I can’t pretend to be a princess because princesses are for girls,” he responded, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

What struck me the most about this exchange was that he couldn’t identify to me where he had learned that he was no longer permitted to enjoy things that were designated by society as “for girls.” He calmly informed me that he “just knew” something that had shifted for him within a matter of days. The child who unapologetically announces that his favorite colors are pink and purple, even at the admonishment of his five-year-old cousin, had somehow suddenly learned new rules. It made me think about the messages he and other children are receiving about what they are or aren’t allowed to enjoy, even within the sanctity of make-believe. It made me wonder how much a parent or concerned person in a child’s life can affect this development when there is so much subconsciously taught in our culture about a carefully-guarded gender binary. What narrative are they growing up to retell?

We’re all familiar with the pink aisle. Rows of dolls with made up faces, dresses and jewelry, all a vibrant shade of pink that stands out starkly in a sea of different colored aisles. And the grey and blue toned aisle of weapons, machines, and fighters. The way that we market to children affects the playground politics that enforce these rules even as young as preschool. In our language, we unknowingly enforce ideas of what we perceive to be a child’s gender and the attributes that each gender is meant to embody in our society. When we gush about how pretty and cute a little girl’s outfit is or praise a little boy for growing so big and strong, we teach them the narrow definition by which society will deem them appropriate. If at any point in their lives they should fail to meet these strict criteria or don’t identify with either gender, studies on bullying, intimate partner violence, and self-image have shown that the results can be devastating.

So what can we do?

Start by having the conversation. Be aware of the language you use when talking to children. What adjectives do you find yourself using more when speaking with girls? What qualities do you tend to encourage in the boys you know? Challenge yourself, and challenge those children, to think outside that binary. Someday that little boy might want to be a father; why shouldn’t he practice by playing with dolls? This little girl wants to know how things work; why not get her a science experiment kit for her birthday? Most importantly, speak up! When you hear children on the playground enforcing the strict rules they’re learning on TV and in the toy aisles, gently encourage them to think outside the box. What makes a color for girls or for boys? Modelling goes a long way in teaching children that it’s acceptable for them to break that mold. Intervention on the personal level with the kids you interact with every day can raise a generation that thinks more deeply about these questions.

While I inwardly began to mourn the newly discovered loss of my child’s freedom of expression, I outwardly asked him what kind of dress-up clothes he would like then, if princess dresses were off the list.

“I want fairy dresses,” he stated emphatically, “Fairies are for boys AND girls. With crowns. And earrings.”

Fairies it is, then.

Zerlina Maxwell at IGNITE: How do we end rape culture?

Take five and a half minutes to watch this amazing speech by Zerlina Maxwell.  You might know some of this, and you might not.  And you might be able to share some things with the people in your life and help to end rape culture in our communities.

"I am here to tell you, I can't be out here alone.  Survivors can not be the only ones speaking up and speaking out.  And that's where you come in: allies, okay?  Because rape is not an inevitable occurrence.  It is not something we should trivialize.  And it is not "boys will be boys".  No.  I am here to tell you that rape culture is real and we must end this."

Upgrade Your Health and Sex-ed Curriculum with The Halls

Guest Blog Post: Arianna is a queer femme from the lakes and forests of Massachusetts, a student of plants, stars, and feminisms, and a fierce lover of The Beach Boys.

Alright y’all, if you’re a Netflix binger, sex educator, health teacher, or just have an hour to spare, I highly suggest watching this new web series called The Halls, about the lives of high school students living in Boston. In the span of time it took me to watch all 8 of the 8-13 minute videos, I had been on the edge of my seat laughing, crying, and feeling completely invested in the lives of the various characters.

Let’s be real, enticing dramas about high school students navigating puberty, gender, and relationships has always been my jam (I have a track record for watching copious amounts of Degrassi and Saved by the Bell). However, there is something unique about this series in particular.

The first episode starts us off with a group of high school boys sitting in the library talking about their friend, Jared, who was recently accused of raping Tara, a freshman. Heavy stuff, I know. Their conversation is full of confusion, denial, laughter, awkward silences, victim-blaming, and degrading jokes. This scene, among others in the series, might be triggering or discomforting to watch – it definitely was for me, especially because it is all-too-familiar.

As well as coping with this ambiguous and close-to-home situation, the plot relies heavily on following various characters through their own challenges involving family, relationships, sex, homophobia, gender stereotyping, social media, consent, trauma, and masculinity. Additionally, you never meet the accused perpetrator or survivor in the series. Considering that perpetrators and victims of rape are so often stereotyped, the anonymity of these characters is incredibly important in reminding viewers that, in reality, they could be anyone.

According to Nicole Daley, an organizer for the Boston Public Health Commission’s Start Strong: Building healthy Teen Relationships Program and one of the many geniuses behind this project, The Halls is meant to be a tool for high-schoolers to engage in conversation around the issues presented in the storyline. Through screening the series in health and sex ed classes, as well as youth education programs, young people can begin having guided and intentional conversations around the various challenges that the characters are facing, and that they potentially will or have already faced in their own lives.

Why is this important?

Well, I’m sure many of us can relate to the horror that is public school health class – the cheesy films; the less than satisfying, hardly accurate, and incredibly exclusive anatomy lessons; that one classmate that pronounces “vaginal” wrong…get me outta there!

It is quite obvious at this point that there are a range of topics that are hardly ever discussed in health class or are discussed vaguely and briefly. These ambiguous, brief, or non-existent conversations do not give justice to the histories, identities, or valid curiosities of the people in the room. They also do not provide any space for students to proactively think about interpersonal challenges that they will most likely experience in their lifetime if they haven’t already. Having these conversations is a preliminary phase of prevention, so why aren’t we having them?

This brings me to my next question: who is teaching these students? I’m not saying that the solution is to simply add consent and gender non-conformity to the curriculum. In my opinion, the educators that aren’t willing to go there don’t deserve to be there. It is incredibly dangerous to have multidimensional and potentially sensitive topics of conversation be facilitated by people who do not have a critical analysis of gender stereotyping and sexuality, or are not active practitioners of open, non-violent communication and healthy relationships. Otherwise, what’s the point?

What I think is so amazing and unique about The Halls is that it was made with the intention of being an educational resource that does provide space for students to discuss some of these challenges. It even comes with a facilitation guide that poses as a great starting point for discussion. The series is also entertaining and engaging without being overloaded with over-sensationalized and unrealistic drama. The challenges presented in The Halls speak to the everyday instances of interpersonal violence and conflict that are so harmful yet so normalized in our society. We can’t expect young folks to know how to navigate issues of healthy relationships, gender policing, and consent if we aren’t providing them with opportunities to talk about it!

So, if you are a health educator, work with teens, or know someone who does, please consider sharing this resource! It is free and available for your curriculum and viewing pleasure. At the very least, take your own journey down The Halls and see where it takes you. You might become inspired to create your own new-and-improved learning tool for young people!

Beyond Marriage & Dads: A Response to The Washington Post

Guest Blog Post: Arianna is a queer femme from the lakes and forests of Massachusetts, a student of plants, stars, and feminisms, and a fierce lover of The Beach Boys.

In the light of Father’s day and the recent Santa Barbara shootings, The Washington Post released an article discussing a solution that will allegedly end violence against women. The answer: married dads. The reason: “marriage seems to cause men to behave better”.

According to this article, “married biological fathers” are more likely to “protect women, directly and indirectly, from the threat of male violence”. This article also claims that women who are married to their child’s biological father will be less likely to experience violence. Children are also apparently safer living in a household with both married, biological parents as opposed to a single mother with “a boyfriend”.

It seems as though the use of the term “male violence” in this article denotes a unique form of violence that is an inherent part of being “male” and is therefore excusable or harder to prevent (a common idea among rape apologists and white supremacists). Additionally, this article plays into the heterosexist and homophobic myth that queer parents are inferior. By reminding the reader consistently that they are talking about “biological fathers”, the article is in turn excluding parents who do not (or cannot) take part in the process of conception. Perhaps the authors of this article don’t realize how large this population is. Perhaps they don’t realize that their sweeping generalizations about who is or is not inherently violent toward their partners and children are actually feeding into the violence that queer and single parents experience.

Any argument that avoids putting the responsibility of violence in the hands of the people committing violence is by default founded on victim-blaming. Nowhere is there any acknowledgment of the responsibility of violent people to stop being violent. Nowhere is there any recognition of the prevalence of intimate partner violence, especially between people who are married.

What this article is essentially suggesting is this: single, independent, unmarried, adoptive, or queer parents, along with parents or individuals who use reproductive technologies in order to build their own family, are causing the violence that they and their children experience, simply because of the lack of a marriage certificate and blood-relations. It is true that the queer community in particular experiences a high rate of violence, but I don’t think it is attributed to marriage or child-raising. I think it’s most likely because we’re fighting battles that are a lot more pertinent and go beyond the assumed desire of a nuclear family.

Marriage, in this case, is not the solution.

In the light of the Santa Barbara shooting (among others) which is proof that rejecting a man’s request for sex, marriage, or dates can get you killed, how can we expect anyone to feel safe enough to, by choice, bind themselves legally to another person who holds more institutional power over them? People are already being threatened into marriage so that their abusive partners have legal ties to them. Young women and femme-identified people are already being made to feel guilty for having standards and boundaries. When divorce is costly and not always an option, why would we encourage each other to pursue an unsustainable marriage with someone who is abusive? How on earth would marriage stop someone from being violent? How do we distinguish between healthy relationships and those involving threats and coercion?

“JUST GET MARRIED, DUH!”

No. Because depending on where I am I can’t anyways. Because a wedding or an “I Love You” does not stop the threat of violence (and can sometimes perpetuate it). Because having no legal autonomy is threatening to me as a femme-identified person. Because binding myself to a person who is abusive in an attempt to tame them is more destructive than staying uncommitted. Because “marriage” and “healthy committed relationship” are not synonymous.

The article also completely lacks insight on how, exactly, a married biological father will protect rather than abuse. It explains, quite simply, that by being married, men will feel more of an engagement to their children, and will “be more attentive to the expectations of friends and kin”. These claims affirm the gendered role of the “man of the house” as provider of safety and engagement, without any real critical analysis or explanation of what it means to be a man, father, or protector.

Since this explanation is not totally satisfying for me, and not one I can identify with as someone who comes from a family history of badass moms and flakey dads, I spent a bit of time thinking about other ways married biological fathers have been known to protect their children. The first thing that came to mind was a scene in Clueless when Cher is going out on a date with Christian, the new boy in town. Before leaving, Cher’s dad, Mel, pulls Christian aside and says “Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you”.

This seems to be a common narrative of fathers attempting to protect their daughters from a pursued love interest in movies and television shows. It is a perfect example of how the need or desire to protect is often rooted in misogyny; assuming that women cannot take care of or protect themselves. It is also an example of how protection can manifest as more violence. It’s time to think more critically about what it means to be protective and not possessive as a parent and partner. We need to start asking ourselves if we are enacting different forms of abuse in the name of love and protection.

It is true that the way I navigate relationships with men is often attributed to the fact that my biological father was never around when I was growing up. However, if I’ve learned anything in my lifetime, it wasn’t from the absence of my father, but the fierce presence of my mom. She’s taught me a lot about how to stand up for myself and be strong even when I’m feeling incredibly weak. The violence that I’ve experienced is not something that I blame on her just because she raised me and my sister as a young single mother (as if she hasn’t received enough unsolicited societal scrutiny in her lifetime for that already). And I don’t blame my father, who I probably wouldn’t recognize if he walked into this room right now, nor do I care, quite frankly. I blame the people who have abused me. I blame the way society is overly apologetic of white men who do harm. I blame misogyny and the overall disrespect and devalidation of women and femmes.

Cultural norms surrounding marriage have been in an ever-changing state. For quite some time the idealization of the nuclear family consisting of “man”, “woman”, and child(ren) has been challenged. With these changing norms, perhaps we should focus less on marriage itself and more on what it means to carry out healthy relationships with the people we love and the families we have – whether they are chosen or biological. Maybe we should be teaching others, regardless of parental, marital, or educational status, about what it means to protect and respect each others’ boundaries.

The last line of this article writes: “So, women: if you’re the product of a good marriage, and feel safer as a consequence, lift a glass to dear old dad this Sunday”. For this Father’s Day, I would like to propose something a bit different.

Let’s not thank our fathers just because they have stuck around, signed a legal document, or still wear their wedding ring and consider themselves married to their wife. That isn’t enough. Let’s thank the fathers who are active bystanders in our communities that are swimming with subtle forms of violence. Let’s thank the fathers who are actively engaged in healthy relationships with their friends and loved ones. Let’s thank the fathers who are teaching their children about consent, love, and respect. Let’s thank the fathers who are combating patterns of violence, who aren’t unapologetically abusive. Let’s thank the fathers who don’t kick their children out of the house for being trans or queer. Let’s thank the fathers who love and celebrate their mothers. Let’s thank the fathers who watch the following video and take it seriously.

"There was a conversation that never happened..."

An amazing spoken word performance about how important it is not to remain silent about violence and rape culture among our friends and family.

"I Think We Need To Talk..."

Guest Blog Post: Amanda Jane is a volunteer at Safe Passage. She enjoys Netflix, silly magazines, and promoting healthy and violence-free relationships.  
 
A little while ago, a good friend and I were discussing a mutual friend’s current situation with her partner. Our friend has been experiencing verbal and physical abuse in her relationship for the past couple years. After leaving him for a short period of time, they got back together mainly due to the fact they shared children together, and she didn’t think she could make it financially without him.

“She’s so stupid. I can’t believe she went back to him” is what my friend said midway through the conversation, “I’m sorry, I just can’t have respect for someone like that. She must really like the drama.”

Whoa. This is someone I have known for quite some time. Someone who is a good friend. Someone who caught me completely off guard with their response.
People’s perceptions of domestic violence can be shaped by the language we use in our society to describe it. Normalizing language such as “they should have known better,” or “maybe they just like the drama” takes the blame off of the perpetrator and the violence itself, and places it upon the person experiencing the abuse.

So it’s up to us, as society members, to challenge those types of comments. Challenge them in a way that shines the spotlight back on the violence itself, and not the one who experienced it. This is easier said than done, though. It’s hard to challenge people we have some sort of relationship with. It’s almost harder to challenge a friend’s comments than it is to challenge something a complete stranger said.

As a side note, I definitely wouldn’t recommend saying something unless you felt safe to do so. Screaming at random strangers may not be effective! There’s a certain risk in speaking up when there is a feeling that you may lose the relationship with that person for doing so. It can feel awkward and uncomfortable to have that conversation, especially when it’s with a friend, but it’s necessary to do so.

It is important to accept and move past those feelings of awkwardness, in order to have a role in bringing more awareness to domestic violence. Anyone, at any time, could experience domestic violence. Your best friend, your cousin, a co-worker, even YOU, could at one point or another experience violence. This is why it’s important to challenge victim blaming comments. This is what prevention is all about.

In my situation, after my friend had made those comments, I felt very weird about saying something, but I knew I wouldn’t feel OK with myself unless I did so.

Instead of trying to debate with him, I took to the information/explanation route. I started explaining the many reasons that our friend could have for going back to her partner: the danger she could be in if she left for good, and the financial reasons that brought them back together. All reasons that didn’t involve her “liking the drama.” I don’t know if I completely changed his beliefs and perceptions of domestic violence, but I did cause him to pause and consider what I was saying.

Why is this necessary in regards to prevention? So people who experience any form of violence don’t begin to define themselves in terms of how society may view them. So their response to their own situation isn’t just, “I should have known better.” This is why I had to say something then, and why I will say something tomorrow. Change can occur merely by challenging certain judgments or beliefs.

This means you can create positive change on a daily basis, even when things seem out of your control, just by speaking up to a friend. It can feel very empowering to know that you had a part in creating change within society.

Spotlight: The Representation Project

The internet can be a wonderful, magical, place. It provides us hours (let's be honest: many hours) of entertainment, helps us stay connected with others and know what's happening in the world around us, and allows us to express ourselves through different artistic avenues.  It is also a place where we send and receive cultural messages -- often rapidly and sometimes unknowingly -- which can span from harmful to educational, depending on the source.

Alongside poignant articles discussing ways to think about the world differently and make it safer for others, we see advertisements with scantily clad women selling us things, telling us to look better, have more, be more.  We are inundated with messaging from media sources in all areas of our lives.  More often than not, these messages are of the "upholding stereotypes" persuasion.  However, over the years, activists have been taking to media to put forth positive messaging, or at least to help take a critical lens to the problematic and widespread negative messaging.

Programs like Media Education Foundation, which has a library of videos (including one of my all-time favorites, "Tough Guise"-- that now has a part 2!!), use media to focus on some of the issues in our society, like masculinity, sexual assault, and oppression.  And online sites, like Upworthy, help compile many great clips and stories from the many goings-ons of the internet and let's you search by topic that interests you.  These clips are easy to share on social media, and therefore can be highly visible.

I came across The Representation Project on one excursion to the Upworthy world.

Their mission states that: "The Representation Project is a movement that uses film and media content to expose injustices created by gender stereotypes and to shift people’s consciousness towards change."  Below are some clips they have put out, including a trailer for one of their videos entitled, "Miss Representation" (Warning: some potential Not Suitable For Work images).

By taking advantage of how media-heavy our world is, and with the internet being so visible to so many people, The Representation Project does a great job putting out some alternative messaging.  These clips are engaging and make important points, and I look forward to what else they have to offer.  Imagine if we were exposed to positive messaging about gender from a young age?  Deconstructing gender norms (or the concept of a binary gender all together) is part of preventing interpersonal violence, and it's exciting to see media used as an agent for change instead of a mechanism for objectification.

Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.

Understanding Intersectionality within Domestic Violence Prevention

Guest Blog Post: Kara Auclair is a volunteer at Safe Passage and the Community Service Fellow for Safe Passage at Smith College.

Intersectionality is one of my favorite words that I have learned as a student at Smith College. It was coined by Kimberle Crenshaw in 1989 and describes the study of the interactions of multiple systems of oppression and discrimination in society. I think this word is critical in understanding the social world of inequality and how best to address the needs of disenfranchised groups. Intersectionality focuses on the importance of understanding the unique lived experiences of those who struggle with multiple levels of oppression. For instance, not all women experience sexism the same way, and white women and women of color face different struggles in their experience of domestic violence.

Scholars like Lettie Lockhart discuss the problematic beginnings of domestic violence research and programs, which focused on the needs of the “universal woman”.1  The early intervention strategies and mainstream narratives utilized by early advocates against domestic violence generally focused on addressing the needs of a single overarching group of “women”, which really meant white middle class women. However, as the movement developed, it became clear that domestic violence is a social reality that intersects with other oppressive factors like race, sex, class, ethnicity, sexuality, national origin, ability, etc. There is no “universal woman’s” struggle.

In my training at Safe Passage, we discussed the importance of the “Umbrella of Oppression” and how certain groups and individuals experience domestic violence differently because of the unique hardships and barriers they face as they try to receive help. We know that certain people are more susceptible to domestic violence because of their vulnerability, and that there is no one way that people experience the process of dealing with abuse. It is crucial to understand these points when addressing the needs of victims and survivors, but also in prevention work.

Lockhart and her colleagues describe their model of domestic violence prevention in communities as an “Ecological Approach,” meaning they take into account all of the contextual factors that might contribute to violence in a specific community before attempting to connect with that community through prevention tactics.1 This technique addresses all of the norms, cultural practices, ideologies, and social hardships that the community might be dealing with, providing a unique background for understanding how to create the most effective workshops and other prevention initiatives. If the intersectionality of different groups’ oppression is taken into account, then prevention will be more relevant and effective. If we only consider one “universal” way of dealing with prevention, it will not speak to everyone in the same way, and might disenfranchise those who do not have access to this information for a number of reasons.

One example of this type of prevention can be found in Boston. Men and women of color have taken this tool laid out by Lockhart into action by working together in prevention efforts against domestic violence. About 40 black men took the “Black Man’s Pledge of Responsibility” which was written by women in this specific community highlighting changes they wanted their community members to make. The pledge calls upon men to “reject violence in all its forms as a means of resolving conflict” and encourage others to do so, and to help provide guidance and opportunities to young people. This is an example of an “Ecological Approach” to prevention because the efforts were made by the community itself, taking into account the unique struggles and issues relevant to the black men and women in Boston at this point in time. This technique is likely to be much more effective and beneficial to this community than a generalized model of prevention strategies not specifically formatted to this specific context.

Kimberle Crenshaw discussed the importance of intersectionality in creating a more just world. She noted that when the needs of those who are most burdened by intersecting oppressions are met, then everyone will benefit.2 Domestic violence prevention is something that every community must address, and the collective solidarity obtained through understanding and compassion can be incredibly useful in prevention work. Individual experiences shape the way in which domestic violence affects certain groups and once we bring our collective strength to this movement towards prevention, we will move closer to a world free from violence.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
1. Lockhart L, Danis F. Domestic Violence [Electronic Resource] : Intersectionality And Culturally Competent Practice / Edited By Lettie L. Lockhart And Fran S. Danis [e-book]. New York : Columbia University Press, c2010.; 2010.
2. Crenshaw, Kimberle. Mapping the Margins: Intersectionality, Identity Politics, and Violence against Women of Color. Stanford Law Review, Vol. 43, No. 6 (Jul., 1991), pp. 1241-1299

"Violence against women has become part of the wallpaper"

Laura Bates does a great job discussing how sexism affects everyone, regardless of gender, as well as how important it is to incorporate intersectionality of identities when trying to deconstruct inequalities in our society.  She also incites hope around 13:30 and speaks to how community action has been gaining strength in the past two years around the world in response to acts of violence.  

How great it would be, though, if these actions weren't reactionary to violations of women, or if they were wide-spread around the globe, or if they weren't needed because women were no longer treated as "second class citizens".

Distractions to Avoid Discussing Sexual Assault: A Response to the New York Times

Recently, the New York Times published an article about encouraging  bystander intervention to stop sexual assault on college campuses.  It came across my newsfeed, and I thought to myself: "Yes! Prevention in the New York Times!  This is amazing!"  As I began reading, my excitement faded within the first few paragraphs.

Bystander intervention has been proven to be very effective.  Programs like Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) have been promoting bystander intervention for years, especially in communities like college athletics, Greek life, the military, among others.  This program helps individuals think through a range of options in advance so they feel prepared to actively intervene when they see acts of violence or oppression occurring in their communities.  Depending on the situation, someone's level of comfort, relation to the victim or the perpetrator, and other factors, these programs help to identify a range of possibilities for a bystander to get involved.  The focus is that you should never do nothing, but that even something little can make a huge difference.  Some of the tactics include: seeking help from officials (police, guidance counselors, coaches, parents, etc.), getting the victim alone and checking in with them, providing information and options to the victim, talking to the perpetrator/aggressor directly about their actions, as well as distraction techniques.

The Times article begins by describing scenes from a party that might lead to sexual assault and some ways in which bystanders can intervene.  The main problem, to me, from these scenarios is that all the options focus on distraction.  Tactics like asking someone for a tampon to "kill the mood", or turning on the lights and shutting off the music.  Distraction can be a very handy addition to your toolkit for bystander intervention, but it cannot be the main technique if we are really to see a shift in attitudes on campuses — and probably won't lessen the number of assaults in the long-run.

Admittedly, the article goes on to provide examples of how campuses are addressing sexual assault and name some great programs that are being implemented, such as MVP and the UMatter at UMass campaign.  And the article ends with uplifting stories from some of the college-aged folks who are doing great work in the bystander arena.  But the opening examples of bystander intervention via distraction are just that — distractions from addressing the larger culture of sexual assault and the epidemic of violence against women.  All these problematic parts to the article unfortunately come at the beginning, which I fear may negatively impact a reader’s introduction to bystander intervention. You will find my responses to certain excerpts from the article below:

"The goal is to stop bad behavior before it crosses the line from drunken partying to sexual assault. “We’re definitely not looking to create Captain Bystander here,” Ms. Stapleton says. In the best of circumstances, a drunken aggressor won’t realize he’s been had."

While I understand the need for distraction techniques to maintain safety in some cases (avoiding direct confrontation with a drunk aggressor), using only distraction means the behavior is never addressed as inappropriate.  One example highlighted in the article is someone telling a teammate that "there is another girl who is into you downstairs" to get him away from the one he was with at the moment.  While there was no "girl downstairs", the message of "move on to someone else" is still not entirely what we're looking for with bystander intervention.

Why can't we name what's happening to our friends and teammates?  For example, "Hey dude. She's not into it.  You should probably leave her alone."  Or, "You're kind of crossing a line here, maybe we should take a walk," may have been a better option.  We should also be opening up dialogues about the fact that sexual assault happens on campuses at alarming rates and what messaging, social construction, and/or largely held beliefs are supporting the continuation and grand-scale acceptance of this behavior.

"Men as well as women are being called upon to make it work. While the public discussion on sexual violence has primarily focused on the physical and emotional damage done to women, it is also true that getting arrested for sexual assault can mark a young man for life."

This is just problematic.  Yes, it is damaging for young men to get arrested for sexual assault.  But it is because they are feeling the repercussions for sexually assaulting someone.  It is reeking heavily with the "boys will be boys" attitude that is so detrimental to this work, focusing on other members of the community to prevent boys from acting in ways that are "inherent" for their gender.  That is not only problematic, but I would argue that it is insulting to men and boys to imply that they cannot control their sexual urges and conduct.

"Sgt. Richard Cournoyer, a Connecticut state trooper, has investigated a dozen sexual assault cases in the last few years involving University of Connecticut students. “These aren’t people jumping out of the bushes,” he says. “For the most part, they’re boys who had too much to drink and have done something stupid. When we show up to question them, you can see the terror in their eyes.”

People who have been involved in sexual and domestic violence work have known for a while now that the majority of rapes are not perpetrated by people hiding in bushes or dark alleys. While stranger assault does happen, the majority of sexual assault happens by someone the victim knows, someone they trust. And yes, these people often take advantage of a situation that is infused with alcohol where consent cannot be given. That is what rape is. The fact that the Sergeant is distinguishing between “rapists hiding in bushes” and these boys indicates that there is a separate category for young men on college campuses that commit sexual assault and “real rapists”.

It seems that the bystander model discussed here is merely to prevention boys from doing "something stupid".  This is the wrong frame for this work. We do not need to intervene and stop these young men from making a mistake.
We need to be addressing the culture of our society that tells them that it is okay to take advantage of a girl in a compromising position.
We need to teach boys that not saying no does not mean yes.
We need to teach boys, and all children for that matter, how to truly engage in respectful and caring interactions with all other human beings.
We need to teach the beauty and strength of vulnerability and connection.

Additionally, insinuating that the boy is doing "something stupid" immensely takes away  from the traumatic experience on the other side of the supposedly "stupid" incident.  When we minimize the problem as a stupid mistake, it is also minimizing the victim.  Calling something a stupid mistake when it drastically changes the quality of life for the victim is just not okay.  A stupid mistake is forgetting to pay the meter and getting a ticket.  Bouncing a check.  Forgetting that you had a paper due that was worth 50% of your grade.

Sexual assault is not a stupid mistake.  It is assault.  

There have been many other writers who have denounced the "boys will be boys" mentality, and this specific excerpt from the NYT article is dripping with the insinuation that boys cannot control themselves and make mistakes when drunk — like, you know, sexually assaulting someone.

"At one party, a guy was all over her friend, so Ms. Ngor put an arm around her and told him, “She’s mine, you can’t have her.” When he suggested a threesome, she declined. “No way you can handle all this,” she said."

Again -- while I understand the need for (and legitimacy of) less risky affronts to drunken men at a party, this seems like something that may re-enforce inappropriate behavior.  It is sexually suggestive instead of assertive and boundary-establishing.  It also could be dangerous if seen as a challenge by a drunk man.  There have been many accounts of assault in order to assert dominance, power, masculinity, and enforce conformity (trigger warning for link: information about "corrective rape") as defined by our society.

It is so promising that an article about bystander intervention was published in the New York Times, but I still think there is a long way to go regarding how we intervene in our communities if we truly want to bring about a safer, healthier world.  It is okay to establish boundaries and be assertive.  It is okay to tell someone, "Stop. Please leave me alone.", "No, thank you", or "Hey. You might be too drunk to make this decision."  Sure, it might be awkward at first.  But the more we practice, the easier it will be to Say Something.
 


Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.

"Women Shrinking"

 

An articulate performance of how women are taught to take up less space, both physically and with their words.  My favorite quote from this is, "I asked five questions in genetics class today and all of them started with the word 'sorry'".  Take a few minutes and watch.

Yoko Kato remembers her daughter and grandson on 21st anniversary of their murders

This blog post was written by Marianne Winters, Executive Director at Safe Passage and was originally posted on the Safe Passage Blog January 23rd, 2014. 

This month we honor Yoko Kato and celebrate her 70th birthday. Yoko, who serves on the Safe Passage board of directors, has worked tirelessly on prevention and system reform since the murder 21 years ago of her daughter and grandson. To say that Yoko is an inspiration is barely adequate to express the full extent of her work and her impact. Yoko began her work just a few days after the murders, when she asked a police officer what she could do to make sure that this doesn't happen to others. Since then, she has serves on boards of directors of community organizations that address violence against women and children, the Massachusetts Office for Victim Assistance, The District Attorney's Domestic Violence Task Force and the Children's Advocacy Center. She not only served on these boards, but constantly served as a reminder of the real impact of domestic violence on families and communities.

Kato has become an activist against domestic violence, sharing her story to help others and to teach, inspire, inform, and motivate all of us. Her work helped reform and reshape our systems here and abroad, in Japan, her native country.

We encourage you to view this video of news coverage around the anniversary of the murder. We hope that like us, you'll be motivated by Yoko's strength. Let it motivate you to do something and Say Something. True prevention must be informed by the real life experience of victims of domestic violence and their families. To envision the changes that will end domestic violence, we first need to remind ourselves of the painful realities of the issue, and bravely confront the hard work that needs to be done.

Thank you, Yoko, for your courage and strength. May your suffering and strength keep us honest in our work and inspired to keep taking steps toward a world that will one day be free of violence.

Say Something to Incite Social Change

This past Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  Many of us had the day off of work and school and enjoyed some time to ourselves in honor of a man who helped to change history.  Dr. King's words have been repeated countless times since his assassination -- immortalized on the internet, spray-painted along bridges, quoted in other speeches, etc. 

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter."

~Martin Luther King Jr.

I have learned over the course of the years that the certain privileges I hold allow me many benefits in our society; and for a long time, this brought me shame.  It made me feel undeserving of what I may have had, knowing that because of an aspect of their identity, others were not afforded many of the opportunities as me. To better understand privilege and oppression and everyone’s unique experience and identity, I’ve engaged in workshops, classes, conversations, and self-reflection. I’ve looked for ways to be an ally, to help establish some sort of equilibrium in our culture.

But then I came to a realization: You can use your privilege to incite positive change.  

Most of us belong to one or more privileged groups. And we can use that privilege to make social inequities seen, heard, noticed, and challenged. We can use our privilege to fight for social equality. It is a lot less risky to Say Something when you see or hear someone being racist, classist, sexist, homophobic, etc., if you are a member of the same privileged group as the person perpetrating the oppression. It is far less dangerous, especially to your physical safety.
 

This is a photo of my real life computer, on my real-life desk at work.  Just a little reminder that I have placed in my eye-line every day.  I encourage you to feel inspired by the words of MLK Jr. and allow yourself to Say Something -- to help someone else, to work to end oppression and violence, and to incite social change.

Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.

Say Something Highlight: Pyramid Of Harm

The Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) program created the Pyramid of Abuse to describe the social forces that support gendered violence.  If you haven't heard of the MVP program, you should definitely take a look at the great work they are doing in schools, colleges, sports teams, military units, and other areas where individuals can be empowered as active bystanders against gendered violence.

The Pyramid of Abuse is such a phenomenal visual about how the smaller, less noticed, less commented upon, or less taken seriously forms of violence located at the bottom of the pyramid (jokes, objectification, language, and strict gender roles) form the foundation that allows other, more serious acts of violence to occur.  The concept of the pyramid, where each ascending act of violence is build upon a strong base of systematic and cultural norms around gender is truly inspiring.  

However, at Say Something, we saw a bit of a void -- or more accurately, a HUGE connection!  We were inspired by the Pyramid of Abuse to create a Pyramid of Harm that describes the continuum of damage caused by many types of bias. The image represents our understanding that bias forms a foundation for discrimination and violence.  That means, any form of discrimination and violence, any form of oppression.  If we changed the examples on the pyramid to speak to racism, classism, heterosexism, ableism, ageism - and the list can go on- it becomes evident that they follow a similar pattern.  A pattern whereby there are cultural norms set in our day to day lives (in the form of language, systems, and structures) that establish a foundation for the escalation of violence to the tip of the pyramid: death/homicide/murder.

Our goal, at Say Something, is to encourage everyone to speak up and Say Something when they see or hear acts of bias and discrimination being perpetrated - regardless of the category of oppression being witnessed.  If we can communicate why a rape joke isn't funny, or suggest to someone that using a racial slur is not appropriate, we can start to deconstruct the foundation of violence and oppression.  And these small acts will lead to big changes for everyone.


Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.

The Cost of Allowing Violence

When we hear stories about violent relationships, we generally react sympathetically to the victim — sometimes aggressively to the perpetrator — and think to ourselves, "what a sad/scary/unfortunate/awful/terrifying/etc. situation".  We wonder how this person is coping with the violence and lack of safety in their homes, whether they are safe in this very moment, and if any children are being exposed or victimized.

Sometimes, we think, "Wow, I didn't even realize.  They seemed like such a normal couple."  Or we question the informant's legitimacy, disbelieving the story for whatever reason we choose to select.  I would argue that many of us also think, "I need to do something about this," whether or not we follow through with the sentiment.

But, there is a theme that appears across these reactions: we are focusing on the violence in a individual level.  We think about the family where the violence is occurring, about the victim, about the perpetrator, and, sometimes, about how we are affected personally by the situation.

And that is a completely normal, legitimate, appreciated, and important part in connecting with the work.

Relating to domestic violence on an individual level fuels the work many of us do: providing services to individuals, helping friends or coworkers recognize an abusive relationship, educating teens about what a healthy relationship looks like, etc.  We see the faces of the people we are helping; we see changes, one person at a time, and that is enormously encouraging when we walk everyday through a culture of violence and oppression.

A recent article in Forbes, discussed the cost of domestic violence, naming it a secret killer that costs $8.3 billion a year.  This article is just an example of the fact that while the individual connection with domestic violence is so important to much of our work, the broader, societal implications have to be acknowledged within a larger framework.  Domestic violence affects victims not just in their homes -- there are lasting affects on employment, health and well-being, children, and many other aspects of life.  The costs of domestic violence in our communities, in our society, and in our world are large and span over many facets of life for victims, perpetrators, and community members.  This is just one example of how important it is to understand how violence impacts systems of which we are all a part.

So, if you haven't been in a situation to connect on an individual level with someone who is experiencing domestic violence or haven't found a connection to the work yet, you should take a look at the staggering numbers in the Forbes article about what domestic violence costs us all.  And how each of us, in our roles in the community have the power and ability to make changes, bring about awareness, and participate in making our communities and our world free from violence.


Laura Penney is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Safe Passage and the project director of the Say Something Prevention Initiative.